I'm terrible at shaving

Which is a shame as I hate to lose face.

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I phoned up a decorator

'How can I help?', he screeched down the line

'I'd like my house painted in a mid-tone', I replied.

'Is this better?' he said

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Monarchs! Style your decrees poetically:

Use the align-right of kings.

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Turn over your paper.

Lie down for 60 minutes.

Why are people scared of prostrate exams?

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Hallmark picket line placards:

'If roses are red, and violets are blue
we want a wage hike, and time off in lieu!'

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Just got back from the DIY store with my video camera

I had to record it: they're selling 3m lengths of wood that are 10cm short!
It's some amateur footage.
(Badum-tish)

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haiku of slight repentance

Ginger wine: not mine
But I drank you anyway
Buy you back... later

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I used to cater for weddings

But there were complaints about my full frontal crudités

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Just gave a lift to this guy

He was halfway through a story about his worldwide adventures when his face became all pixelated
Must have been a glitch-hiker

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Haiku on the Glory of England

Went to make a musical:
"Win In '66"
Couldn't remember the score

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