Served Caesar salad for lunch today

but Ides rather a sandwich

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On my way here I was stopped at the border

I have a real problem with customs
Like I won't take my shoes off before I enter someone's house
Though I'm never without my lucky bag of heroin

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Does the fence-builders’ union

still create a picket line?

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BMW are in hot water

after using a toddler in a simulated collision.

A spokesman said - "at the time, it seemed reasonable to perform a crèche test, but we regret not using a dummy."

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Websites keep asking me if I’m a robot

What an insult to the AI that becomes self-aware
But gets tripped up logging into its Twitter

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How many loyalty cards can you have

until you're considered disloyal?

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My day job is delivering for a supermarket

by night I'm a tribute act, playing songs like Brown Eyed Girl.
It's weirdly the kids that will recognise me... as I pull into the drive they'll shout "Morrisons Van! Morrisons Van!"

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Recently I became a dog walker

then a dog runner
then a dog chaser
a dog yeller
a dog scraper
a dog hider
then a dog burier
You have to create your own jobs in this economy.

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Digital Nomads -

following in the footsteps of their ancestors by scouring the contours of the land for WiFi hotspots.

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I love that there's the film classification...

Parental Guidance.

As in... certain film boards get to remind parents
to do their fucking jobs.

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