I'm terrible at shaving

Which is a shame as I hate to lose face.

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I phoned up a decorator

'How can I help?', he screeched down the line

'I'd like my house painted in a mid-tone', I replied.

'Is this better?' he said

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Monarchs! Style your decrees poetically:

Use the align-right of kings.

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Turn over your paper.

Lie down for 60 minutes.

Why are people scared of prostrate exams?

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Just got back from the DIY store with my video camera

I had to record it: they're selling 3m lengths of wood that are 10cm short!
It's some amateur footage.

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I used to cater for weddings

But there were complaints about my full frontal crudités

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Just gave a lift to this guy

He was halfway through a story about his worldwide adventures when his face became all pixelated
Must have been a glitch-hiker

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My girlfriend's got into this new craft craze:

In bed, during sex, she'll knit a nice scarf.
They call it "make it 'til you fake it".

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Business idea: Parties for Jewish children

Location: under a big top.
They'd be circus sized.

(That was just a snip it.)

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On my way here I was stopped at the border

I have a real problem with customs
Like I won't take my shoes off before I enter someone's house
Though I'm never without my lucky bag of heroin

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